Don't Judge Me!

Have you ever had to face death straight in the face? Have you ever been so scared that all you can do is laugh? Have you been judge so much that there is nothing you can say? Yet nothing is True! To be honest sometimes I am scared of living. I am no longer scared of death, I have looked death down and laughed, come back and talked about it. Yet life baffles me. I can except death and understand it is just part of life. There is nothing that can be done, it will come. At 28 I have experience enough of life to say I could exit life with no shame.

I have been dreading this day for some time now. There is no avoiding it, it was going to come. I wished that it would not, but I new that it would come. To make matters worse I will be alone today. Memorial day is always sad for me. I always wounder why so many had to die, so many of my friends are dead and forgotten and for what. And I am here still suffering, trying to live a good life a life that I hope will make them proud.

Today I am alone. Marilyn most work, my parents are out of town going to a retirement ceremony for a West Point Classmate of my fathers, I have reached out to friends from my past but have not received any calls back. I would call my my best friend in the world my therapist, but it is a holiday and she does not work. Today I am alone, and I am struggling.

I am struggling with the moral questions, the whys. I am struggling with the why me. I am no better, and no worse than anyone else. Yet for some reason I am here cause there is a purpose for me still in life that I have not excepted, have not come to terms with. It does not make it any easier for me.

I am alone, stuck in moments of my past that I have no control over. Stuck in moments that others have taken control and violated the most basic human rights of my life. Combat is not were I struggle, in fact I expect immoral and hard choice to have to be made. I struggle with the choices that were not made out side of combat in regards to rape, in or negligence, or person hood.

There is only one right, there might be several paths to get there but there is only one right and one moral path to take you to this moral right.We might try to justify our actions in order to make our selfs feel good, or justified but that does not make our choice just or moral. As there is only one moral act. In the case of Robbin Hood, he stole from a tyrant of an unjust unmoral king. But because Robbin Hood him self stole he himself is no better than the tyrant king. Because the act of stealing is immoral. The ends do not justify means.

I am alone. I wish Kelly was in her office today, because I would call her. I wish someone was home. Today is a sad day, as I remember my friends that will never again walk this earth, as I remember the part of me that will never again walk this earth after my time in the Army. I am shadows of who I was, of what I was. My career in the military taken from my because of a brain injury. And today I struggle to redefine my life and who I am.And remember my friends who are not remembered, and hope that I can live a life that they might be proud of.

I am alone. and the Means do not justify the ends!

crashing

I feel like I am slowly being choked out today. It seems like each hour is days and time will never pass. But what I have to wait till atleast tomorrow to call anyone for help. Damn I need to get a life. Or at least make some new friends who answer their phones and live NOVA. They should be half way intelligent and able to hold conversation. There is just something wrong when your bff is a provider at the VA hospitle. Leaves little room for future growth of the relationship. But I don't even know what 28 year olds do these days. I mean if was back at fort Bragg I guess I would go down to bragg blvd or downtown or do something stupid. Or there was what I was good at being anti social and playing games. All that is gone and never going to be coming back. Not that I have a choice in that with the brain injury, and other problems I deal with ever day. I might as well be about 60 with what my bodies been through and feels. I supposed I fit right in at an assisted living home playing Wii all day for physical therapy, and being feed, and craft hour, bingo, yes what a life. Not for me though for the 45 plus years I think I would go bat crazy, maybe knock off a few people before I went from fits of rage. WTF this is what I signed up for, oh well at least I am not 6 feet under yet. Though sometimes I thin that might be better. Damn and I am only 28, and got a 4 year old that needs his dad. I am so board with pretty much everything, excepted when I get to see my disfunctional bff. I could sit there and say nothing and feel connected and like I had a great conversation. It is like she is the female version of me.

It is going on 72 hours since I last slept. I am freaking tired, my head is pound, and my body is screaming. All I want to do is lay down and sleep. Yet some how the more I lay there and try to sleep the more challenging I find it to find any rest. But who needs those few moments of sleep between the day to break up our daily lives.

But Heck I am in so much pain that I do not think that there could be any meaningful sleep even if I were able to find a few moment of shut eye. Hell the sun comes up and the sun goes down, and with out sleep it just feels like the same day to me. I don't have a way to break them up. What the hell is wrong with this, what I would do for a good nights sleep again.

What's the problem why can I not sleep for a night. I mean nothing so horrible is going to happen. Though I guess I have been to some degree programmed not to sleep anymore. It sure seemed like bad things always happened when you were sleeping in the Army. I guess it is because you are most vulnerable when you are sleep. Plus you were always expected at moments notice to just go, without a break from the sleep to wake cycle. Sleep deprivation was a normal part of life, it was trained, it was learned how to function, add to that stress, and pressure and you have a cocktail to keep you from sleeping. Anger keeps you motivated, and it seems that the anger only keeps me awake and further moves me away.

Honestly how many more days can I expect to go before I just crash or loose it. I know sleep is a pretty important part of life. I do enjoy getting a good few hours here and there. It just seems they are coming further and further apart. I guess I will at some point get so tired that I will have no choice and sleep will come naturally. Once the sleep comes I only hope that it will be long and relaxing. But who am I kidding I don't even know when I can realistically expect to sleep. Heck it could be an other week or with any luck it might be sometime tonight.

Sleep I love you.... Please do not leave me. I truly look forward to all the good thing you do for me. I could really use some good sleep not just laying there again or sitting up reading tonight passing the hours for the sun to rise.

What Gives..................

What is wrong, why am I so angry? Sometime I just want to fight and there's no reason to fight. I just want to punch a person in the face, or put someone in to a choke hold, or to be hit back. So I can get my blood flowing and feel something other than bitterness. I guess I know why that angers there, and I have a reason to be angry. While I cannot change what has happened, or the out comes of how people have handled the situations my anger is justifiable. That is factual, and how is it that I can be told that I have to change the facts and my beliefs when I have done nothing wrong? It is a contradictory statement to be told that you have done nothing wrong and it is not your fault, but then to be told you have to cognitively restructure your beliefs and thinking and change how you believe out comes will occur. But I did nothing wrong, so how does that effect the out come or my belief system?

Montana

Sometimes I wonder how much I really need all this built up life around DC. Sometimes I wonder how much I really need social interaction everyday with other people. Sometimes I wonder if I just would not be better being self sufficient on a mountain top in Montana, Wyoming, or North Dakota. Sitting on top of my mountain with enough land to grow crops, have some chickens, a cow, maybe a few other animals. There would definitely be a dog or two. There would be traps for hunting, and guns for protecting and hunting. I might have a phone line, or a cell phone to double for the internet to stay connected to world in some way. But do I really want to be connected to world? I could sit through the snow, the harsh weather by storing large amounts of canned foods, and unpublishable foods. I would have my toys: the truck, the atv, the snow mobile and large amounts of gas stored up for emergencies. Life would be different, as I would no longer have to do many things that I feel obligated to having to do. I am not sure that life would be easier. But there is something to be said about living life quietly. In time there might be peace, there might be happiness, but I still am not sure that there will be anything liberating or freeing in this life. As I will only be isolated from the problem, and the problem is there for never solved.

Random thinking

I am what I am, yet all I know is struggles. I sit and wounder why there is no justice in this world? Yet I must move forward and attempt for find happiness. But I struggle to move forward. I struggle why things have happened. I would say that it is not fair, but I already know that there is nothing that is fair or even balanced. Nothing is equal or the same. We are never equal, we are never the same, we will never react the same ways to the same emotional stimulus, or triggers, or events. Yet there is supposed to be a normal reaction. What is normal, who choose normal? What is to say that the opposite of normal is not normal, or that we have everything backwards.

Is it me that in not normal? Am I the one that is so odd and out of place. Is it because I have higher standards and morals? Or because I believe in something better, because I am going to be honest and not tell a person what they want to hear no matter how painful. But what is normal? What is right, what is wrong, what is moral, what is justice, what is life?