I have been dreading this day for some time now. There is no avoiding it, it was going to come. I wished that it would not, but I new that it would come. To make matters worse I will be alone today. Memorial day is always sad for me. I always wounder why so many had to die, so many of my friends are dead and forgotten and for what. And I am here still suffering, trying to live a good life a life that I hope will make them proud.

Today I am alone. Marilyn most work, my parents are out of town going to a retirement ceremony for a West Point Classmate of my fathers, I have reached out to friends from my past but have not received any calls back. I would call my my best friend in the world my therapist, but it is a holiday and she does not work. Today I am alone, and I am struggling.

I am struggling with the moral questions, the whys. I am struggling with the why me. I am no better, and no worse than anyone else. Yet for some reason I am here cause there is a purpose for me still in life that I have not excepted, have not come to terms with. It does not make it any easier for me.

I am alone, stuck in moments of my past that I have no control over. Stuck in moments that others have taken control and violated the most basic human rights of my life. Combat is not were I struggle, in fact I expect immoral and hard choice to have to be made. I struggle with the choices that were not made out side of combat in regards to rape, in or negligence, or person hood.

There is only one right, there might be several paths to get there but there is only one right and one moral path to take you to this moral right.We might try to justify our actions in order to make our selfs feel good, or justified but that does not make our choice just or moral. As there is only one moral act. In the case of Robbin Hood, he stole from a tyrant of an unjust unmoral king. But because Robbin Hood him self stole he himself is no better than the tyrant king. Because the act of stealing is immoral. The ends do not justify means.

I am alone. I wish Kelly was in her office today, because I would call her. I wish someone was home. Today is a sad day, as I remember my friends that will never again walk this earth, as I remember the part of me that will never again walk this earth after my time in the Army. I am shadows of who I was, of what I was. My career in the military taken from my because of a brain injury. And today I struggle to redefine my life and who I am.And remember my friends who are not remembered, and hope that I can live a life that they might be proud of.

I am alone. and the Means do not justify the ends!